


loving you so I can love myself

by Violet_showstopper



Category: 2P Hetalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, Nonbinary Al, Nonbinary Character, Other, Slurs, Transphobia, specifically the T slur, use of slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 11:53:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_showstopper/pseuds/Violet_showstopper
Summary: Private school isn't the best place to learn and express that you're trans.Al finds that out the hard way.





	loving you so I can love myself

Al scrunched up their face in the bathroom mirror. Silently, they stared at their reflection. Blood dripped down their face from their nose, their eyes were red and puffy from crying, and one eye pulsed in pain from where they had been hit. They knew it was going to make a mark, and that was something they did  _not_ want to deal with when they got home. 

They inhaled shakily, ducking into the bathroom stall and locking the door as the school bell rung. As boys  filtered in and out of the bathroom during passing time, chatting and joking, they stood wiping the blood and dried tears from their face with too-thin toilet paper. Nobody could see them like this- nobody could see them cry. The second bell rung, and they were alone again. They emerged from the stall, wincing at their reflection. 

Their eye was blossoming into a bruise- but that not what they cringed at. It was at the awkward way their uniform blouse clung to their body, and the unshapely skirt coming to an end over their knobby knees. Their normally ponytail'd hair lay flowing over their shoulders. What were they thinking? They looked stupid, they didn't fill out the uniform like they wanted to. They should have expected to be beat up. It wasn't like they didn't get bullied already.

They dropped their backpack to the ground and kneeled down. Changing into the boys uniform would be the best course of action, but the thought made them sick. They rustled in their bag to produce the uniform, but their hand closed around the handle of a pair of scissors.

Slowly, they pulled out the scissors. 

_I'd be left alone if I just sucked it up and dressed like a boy._ The thought popped into their mind. They stared at the scissors for a moment and slowly stood, looking at themself in the mirror. They raised them up, and they made a sickening snipping noise as the blades cut their hair short. 

Their phone buzzed. Al turned their gaze over to their phone and unlocked it, seeing the message on the screen.

**[amy <3]: **where r you?? i heard what happened, are you okay?? 

Al let out a noise between a laugh and a sob. Their hair half cut, they slowly typed out a message.

**[you]:** 1st floor boys bathroom. im ok, gonna go home 

**[amy <3]: **stay there. i'm coming

Oh, Amy couldn't see them like this. It would upset her, and they really didn't want to deal with her trying to beat up some assholes. They splashed their face with cool water, pulling in a few breaths. They were doing their best to look chill, to look like their normal cool self. It wasn't really working. 

Amy barged in, concern written all over her face. She was out of breath- Al smiled at the idea of their friend jogging through the building to get to them. She didn't have a problem being in the boys bathroom. She'd said it to them before- " _the worst they can do is yell at me."_  Amy dove forwards, wrapping them into a tight hug that Al melted into. When she pulled away, she still held onto their shoulders tightly. It made them wince, and she let go.

"Oh my gosh, James told me what happened. Are you okay? Is your nose broken? He said that it was bleeding. I swear, when I get my hands on these guys, I'm gonna-" 

Al thought they were going to start crying again, at just the affection they were getting from her. After what they just went through, the smallest show of affection would have made them cry anyways. 

"I'm fine," they reassured her, managing a smile. They were not fine. 

"You're not fine," Amy said, voicing their own thoughts. "How hurt are you? Did they do that to you?!" She gently touched the uneven cut in their hair. 

"Just some bruising. My ribs hurt...I don't think anything is broken, though..and..." They sighed shakily. "I did that."

Amy nodded, gently rubbing their shoulders with a look of care, of concern written across her face. "Oh...Why? Do you want me to drive you home? I can make something up."

"No, I-" their voice cracked embarassingly, and they looked away. Their breath was coming out shorter and shorter, and they could feel the lump forming in their throat. "Amy, why didn't anybody help me?" 

"Oh, honey.." Her voice was soft and Al folded right back into her arms, crying. They clung to her shirt, gasping out words between sobs.

"I was on the floor-" a raggedy breath "-I couldn't fucking  _stand_ and everyone just stood there watching me. Watching him beat the shit out of me." They were shaking, hiding their face in her neck. "I wish I had faught back, I just look like a stupid tranny now. Everyone's gonna fucking push me around now and I-" They cut themselves off with a sob. Amy rubbed their back, holding onto them carefully. 

"I know, I know...It's fucked up. I wish I could have been there for you, I'm so, so sorry..." 

"I'm so angry!" Their voice pitched and cracked, stepping away from Amy to rub at their eyes. "I'm so fucking mad. I wish I looked like you. I wish I wasn't fucking  _like this!"_

Amy winced, gently placing her hand on their elbow. 

"Please don't say that. You're beautiful, don't let anybody make you think otherwise. You're a good person, you're a perfect friend and I love you. Please don't put yourself down because of a few assholes." She hesitated. "Is that why you cut your hair?" 

Al nodded, wiping tears from their eyes. "...I'm gonna fucking kill him." 

Amy pulled them in, pressing a kiss to their head. "Let me drive you home first." 

~~ 

That night, Amy and Al sat on the floor of Amy's room. They ran their fingers through the carpet under their hands, a sigh leaving them.  _When We're High_ played softly from Al's playlist, plugged into Amy's speakers. It was a nice background, but that didn't mean Al didn't squirm.  

"Are you almost done?" They whined, eyes closed. Amy was snipping at their hair, and they could feel the curls dropping into their lap. 

"Yeah. You're gonna look beautiful, don't worry," Amy reassured with a playful lit to her voice. She had wanted to break out the  _proper_ buzzers, but Al had immedietly rejected that idea, despite the reference pictures she'd shown them. 

Al made a soft noise as a brush slid through their hair, followed by the Amy's hands against their scalp. 

"Okay. Now I'm done." 

Al opened their eyes, looking at their reflection. Their black eye had been graciously covered in makeup. In the mirror, they could see the wrappers of snacks stayed across Amy's room. 

But it was their reflection that they were looking at. 

Their hair had been cropped down to a few inches below their ears, a nice bob. The curls shaped their face niceley, giving them a much more feminine apperance. They sucked in a breath in surprise, leaning forwards to look at themselves better. 

"Holy shit, Amy.." They whispered, and they could see Amy's grin expand in the mirror. 

"Impressive, huh?" 

Al grinned, running their hands through their hair. They would have never done it themselves, but they were glad that it had been done. 

"Thank you.." They said, voice bubbling into a laugh. Amy wrapped her arms around them from behind, pulling them close. 

"Yeah. Anything for you." 

**Author's Note:**

> anyways. nb rights.
> 
> this could potentially take place in the college au https://archiveofourown.org/series/1359817 like in the past but idk i don't think it'd work well...honestly this might end up as a multichapter fic


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